Every so often, we meet someone that continually surprises and inspires us. We connect with them in series of dimensions: intellectually, emotionally and on the rare occasion, spiritually. We can spend days with this person and never grow weary of them. Thinking about being close to them excites us. After a short time, their brainwaves begin to entangle with ours, to the point where we're unsure who's head we're occupying. We begin to feel like we've known this person our whole lives, and constantly forget that there are things they don't know about us. Their flaws have nested comfortably under the radar, masked by their almost awe-inspiring quirks. Communication is a flourishing, babbling brook. They bring out the best in us, and we can only hope that we do the same for them. Every once in a while, we meet someone we 'click' with, and when we meet them, we know, in some cases instantly, the significance this person will have in our lives.


(PS: I found one.)

Hey.

It's one in the morning on a Tuesday night. My dad's asleep on the couch, snoring. I'm plugged into the Hood Internet's fourth mixtape, trying to dance as silently as possible. I want to eat out of sheer boredom, but I've been snacking all day. I'm full of wanderlust and I want to throw a dance party but I'm afraid no one will come.

I hate not knowing what's wrong with me, in so many respects. Something's up with my health right now, I should find out in the next couple days if waiting doesn't kill me first. I think something's skewed upstairs too. I used to be a brilliant artist. So I was told, anyway. So many things have changed, including my attitude towards change. And people. I've become cynical and complacent about important things I haven't even tried to do or improve. Fuck.

I got a duvet on Sunday night as a belated birthday gift. I was more excited about it than I have been about anything in the past year, approximately. How sad is that?

I'm so sick of being put on the backburner. If I'm not a priority to someone, I don't want to be anything. I've dealt with this exact situation already, it's bullshit, all I honestly ask is that if you can't make time for me in your life, at least acknowledge that I exist. Is that so hard? Really?

I'm! So! Pissed! At everything! I don't even have the ability to get riled up though, this is so stupid. Maybe I just need someone to talk to about all of this that isn't insightful and tries to help. Someone who will just ..listen. Absorb. I need a sponge.

I think my dad is snoring louder to make me go downstairs. I think he should SHUT THE FUCK UP and go to BED.

I hate snoring. I can't fucking stand it. It's one of those noises, one of those fingernail-on-the-chalkboard things that drive me up the wall. There's not many that make me as angry as snoring does. I can't even handle it, I want to punch people who snore in the face if they're snoring beside me or around me, even. FUCK I CAN'T EVEN SIT HERE ANYMORE I'M GOING DOWNSTAIRS UGH

je suis perdu

I don't know who I am anymore. Hm, that's a fairly bold statement. Maybe I do know who I am, but by contrast, I'm not the same as the girl I was few years back, and I don't like who I am now. It's recently dawned on me that I'm extremely boring. Dull, bland, vapid, blah. I have no drive whatsover to be creative or inspired or make a difference. I basically wake up to go to sleep. Intelligent thoughts and the occasional witty quip flit through my brain every once in a while, but they're so few and far between that I almost miss them on their way out. Or I can't hold on to them long enough to cultivate and expand on them. On the rare occasion that I aspire to anything more than the bare minimum of survival, I usually don't follow through with whatever it is, granted I even begin. I've lost countless friends, whether it be via distance or lack of interest or my big mouth. I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life, more alone than I could have fathomed in my wildest dreams.

This overwhelming apathy hasn't been enough of an issue to aggravate me to the point where I take action, but I've been slowly taking note of the progression of and it's getting a little troublesome. I'm unsure of where to begin tackling it.

I feel lost.

You keep asking if everything is okay. Its not, but what am I supposed to say? The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad for being honest with me. If you don't have feelings for someone you just ..don't. I've been in that situation before and you can't force yourself to feel the way you think you should feel. That's the worst possible thing you can try to do. I've done it, I know. I just need to spend some time away from you so I can start to see you as something else, as a friend, instead of what I want you to be. I hope that's alright with you, and I hope we can move past this.

Just stop being so considerate.

Every once in a while, whenever I discover something vastly new and intricate, or even stumble upon something that tugs at my heartstrings (eg. the song Me In You by Kings Of Convenience) , I get this overwhelming feeling that comes in waves. It washes over me, engulfs me, takes me over. I feel like I'm connected to something. I feel like I'm being born again. It's almost uncomfortable, twisting my stomach into knots, but it comes less and less often lately so I try to ride the wave as long as I can. In the past, when I felt this sensation coming on, I needed to either find a pen or a keyboard, and get it out. This feeling used to be a foreboding to a revelation, miniature or monumental, and it was up to me to capture it, to make it permanent somewhere. However, somewhere along the way, I lost my butterfly net and I was unable to catch these thoughts before they flitted away before my eyes. Just like now..