je suis perdu

I don't know who I am anymore. Hm, that's a fairly bold statement. Maybe I do know who I am, but by contrast, I'm not the same as the girl I was few years back, and I don't like who I am now. It's recently dawned on me that I'm extremely boring. Dull, bland, vapid, blah. I have no drive whatsover to be creative or inspired or make a difference. I basically wake up to go to sleep. Intelligent thoughts and the occasional witty quip flit through my brain every once in a while, but they're so few and far between that I almost miss them on their way out. Or I can't hold on to them long enough to cultivate and expand on them. On the rare occasion that I aspire to anything more than the bare minimum of survival, I usually don't follow through with whatever it is, granted I even begin. I've lost countless friends, whether it be via distance or lack of interest or my big mouth. I'm more alone than I've ever been in my life, more alone than I could have fathomed in my wildest dreams.

This overwhelming apathy hasn't been enough of an issue to aggravate me to the point where I take action, but I've been slowly taking note of the progression of and it's getting a little troublesome. I'm unsure of where to begin tackling it.

I feel lost.

You keep asking if everything is okay. Its not, but what am I supposed to say? The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad for being honest with me. If you don't have feelings for someone you just ..don't. I've been in that situation before and you can't force yourself to feel the way you think you should feel. That's the worst possible thing you can try to do. I've done it, I know. I just need to spend some time away from you so I can start to see you as something else, as a friend, instead of what I want you to be. I hope that's alright with you, and I hope we can move past this.

Just stop being so considerate.

Every once in a while, whenever I discover something vastly new and intricate, or even stumble upon something that tugs at my heartstrings (eg. the song Me In You by Kings Of Convenience) , I get this overwhelming feeling that comes in waves. It washes over me, engulfs me, takes me over. I feel like I'm connected to something. I feel like I'm being born again. It's almost uncomfortable, twisting my stomach into knots, but it comes less and less often lately so I try to ride the wave as long as I can. In the past, when I felt this sensation coming on, I needed to either find a pen or a keyboard, and get it out. This feeling used to be a foreboding to a revelation, miniature or monumental, and it was up to me to capture it, to make it permanent somewhere. However, somewhere along the way, I lost my butterfly net and I was unable to catch these thoughts before they flitted away before my eyes. Just like now..