we're all growing up so fast!

What is a birthday? Most believe that it's simply an occasion to mark the passing of another year of life. I believe it's the celebration of oneself, a joyful event to commemorate the day of your arrival to the world! The glory of birthdays has almost been lost, though I've officially made a point (just now, actually) to restore it's original wonder. I'm not exactly sure how I will achieve this, but I'm going to try. Christmas has almost been overwhelmed with material appeal as well, witnessing the needy greedy filthy hands of children blindly grabbing for unnecessary playthings downright repulsed me. All I need is to be surrounded by love and inhale a hearty meal, then Christmas is complete.

You know when you're sitting on one position for a really long time, like, I'm talking hours here, and you feel cramped and smushed together whenever you bat an eyelash? Every molecule in your body is compressed to the point of an implosion, and you can barely stand it a second longer. You know you need to stretch, so you go for it. That feeling, the extension of each limb, that ultimate relief, rushes through you, inside and out. You've been uncaged, released into the wild, freed from captivity. The pressure has been lifted from each and every inch of you. You have been recovered, maybe even built from scratch. There is no feeling comparable to that of a stretch, and I'm almost positive that I'm due for one. If you know me, you know I'm talking figuratively here, and it might come as a surprise to you. I'm home for the holidays this year, home being the place where my house is not. I've been so warmly embraced that even I can hardly believe that I feel this way, but there's been a ton on my mind since the 747 landed back on my homeland a week ago that I can't seem to shake.

On a more positive note, I've had a day full of guffaws and fantastic company. No, scratch that, more than fantastic. I got to spend multiple hours at several of my favourite places with my two favourite people on this planet. All-time, forever favourites. It's so relieving to have no doubts about how something is going to unfurl. Experiencing a love like this must mean I'm in the right place with my life. Today definitely lifted my spirits a great deal, but they could use some more elevation. Well, they always could, who am I kidding? At least I'm still at peace with myself, and very content. My mind needs an off switch.

that's because it's thinking of you..

What a relief! Let it be known: I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again.

Directly after the whole seemingly deadly debacle, the drastic change in scenery, I felt like something enormous was missing. I had all the factors present that would indicate a wonderful life; I should've been glowing at the seams, yet I felt gloomy and glum. Whether or not you can wrap your head around it, it wasn't a pretty sight. I barely spoke for hours and hours at a time, the spring in my step had sprung elsewhere, and the bright August sunshine avoided me at all costs. This moody persona was of course excusable, as I was dealing with a ton of unwanted emotions at once, and not having the liberty to see my friends at any moment was indeed taking its toll on me.

One would assume, however, that once school began and my family settled into our new house, that the empty void would miraculously fill. Evidently, it did not. I was making friends faster than I could remember their names, and settling into social circles at a fairly fast pace, but something was still missing. I declared my role in the classroom, perhaps opening my mouth at one too many moments, yet I felt displaced and exposed. I became an avidly keen member of the school play, yet that camaraderie was not as prominent as I had hoped. Something was still absent from my day to day lifestyle.

Now, I'm elated to announce that Tesla has officially returned. These past couple of weeks have proved to be the best yet since my arrival into this community, and they have brought with them something magical. That something that was lost, whatever it was, has been found, and its very presence is welcomed with open arms. It might have something to do with the newfound adoration I've stumbled upon, to which I credit many wayward thoughts and wry smiles. Or, I may have finally fully grasped the concept that I'm going back to my hometown, where a large portion of my happiness is conjured up and flourished. Either way, I feel at home with myself again, and it's the best feeling I think anyone could feel. The fulfillment of ones self after a prolonged period of aimless wandering; it's unbeatable.

a morning glory's sleepy story

forgiving her insecurities
and ignoring responsibilities
she lived precariously wild
untamed, yet bound
by the structure and firm
foundation of her time.
running her set course,
scampering off the beaten path
a weed, attention hungry
or moreso a persistent flower
beautiful in her own right
wakes to the gentle morn' light
astonishingly so.

Who says life has to end at 30?

I say it ends when I'm ready to die.

Lately I've been bogged down with reading material. Most of it fictional, some of it real life tragedy. Stories of inspiration, horror, and realism, depicting the dreaded 'life after high school.' Let me tell you, they're not making my decision any easier.

Take for instance, a particular story I digested tonight about a woman who spent her twenties worrying about running out of time to live her life before she got to her thirties. Dreading each year in absolute fear, meanwhile wasting the precious time she had left. Then, once she hit her thirties, she began experiencing everything she had pined for, ten years behind schedule.

Am I the only one who finds this completely bonkers?

Let it be known, I'm not planning on wasting any time. I want to be one of those individuals that the commonplace public spots and says, 'she makes living seem so easy, she seems to make life look so fun!' I aim to do it effortlessly, living life. I have no time limit! I may never get married, I may never be a sorority sister, I may never bear children. I may live out my life in a distant land. Who's to say what will happen? Only time will tell.

I will tell you this, however. If I live a life of solitude, I will be unhappy. If I live my life looking back every few steps, I will stumble. If I live a life without helping others, I will be unfulfilled. I am leaving the boundaries and rules of society behind, leaving more room for my personal standards close to heart.


My life will be abundant with love, laughs and wit. This I know for certain.

So kiss me, and smile for me..

I want to go home.

No, scratch that. I need to go home. I can't take this anymore, being away from my life, my soul, my home. I'm missing everyone and everything in Calgary too much. I need to go back.

For example, about twenty minutes ago, as I was listening to the radio to fall asleep, along comes Chantal Kreviazuk singing about departures on jet planes and the like. I couldn't control it, all of a sudden images of July flashed before my eyes: embracing Steve as we said our final farewell, Taryn and I's tearful goodbye, my Mom, a wreck at the airport. Facing each encounter with everyone I saw so delicately, not sure if I would ever see them again. Seeing Sydney last, our Starbucks trip, the picnic and all the emotions at the memorial, everything came crashing down on me like a tidal wave. Just as wet, too. I felt like I was drowning in a salty ocean of misery.

Simply put, I'm going to do whatever I can in my power to GO BACK HOME and stay there for good.

Whatever it takes.

"I wonder if they used to call her Mariah Kareoke.."

This move is stressing me out majorly. I just let the whole thing slide off until about two weeks ago, now it's full speed ahead: packing, throwing things out, saying goodbye. It's even harder too because I have to set aside clothes and necessities for the July, as well as nice clothes for work and my family reunion, and camping stuff. Just as a heads-up, I'm leaving on the 28th of that month as opposed to the rest of my stuff which is going out in two trips, one in a couple of days (without me, thankfully) and one three weeks from now. It terrifies me to think that I only have a month left here, when it just felt like last week that I got the news. Six months has flown by! Riddle me this, where has the time gone?

When I walked into the bank today, the first thing the lady said to me was, "I love your blouse!"

I'm going to miss my life here.

yeah, yeah.

I really couldn't tell you what I'm feeling right now. It's a jumbled up mixture of about sixteen different emotions and conditions, and instead of trying to analyze it, I'm just going to live it out.

At least I got what I wished for! It's raining! Hurray, hallelujah, happy happy. Except not really, a little while ago when it was still light outside, the sky looked so overcast and looming, gloomy, ominous, so goddamn SAD that it made me feel really crappy inside. I went to watch some boob tube and the crap turned to a real sour, bitter feeling, until I made myself some tea and stretched. Suddenly I felt much much better.

Weird.

I feel like I already have arthritis. My wrists are KILLING me, and I know what it's from but it's too hard to tear myself away from this pile of junk. I need to start packing soon. Speaking of looming, I keep stumbling over that huge pile of boxes in my dining room, and I know they're screaming for me to fill them up. I guess I do have some things that I could stow away for now, but I think I'm just putting it off with the hope that I won't have to pack at all.

Yeah, right.

Then again, this move might JUST be good for me. I get to start over completely, clean slate, no past. No nasty rumours, no resentment (I hope) and no more running into relationship baggage. Cleaner air, beach, new friends, new furniture. New house. Scary thought. New job, new new new. I'm a little terrified of losing my identity though, as strange as that sounds. Will I get caught up in the swing of things and try to revamp myself as well? I sure hope not.

Augh.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. That I'm over-thinking. Only time will tell, I'll make friends by being myself, life will be great, and I'll flourish there. I'll love it, just think of the ocean, it's way prettier in Vancouver. It'll be sooo great, you won't want to come back! I've heard it all before, and the latter is what I'm afraid of.

Oh boy.

Hey God, get out your bowling shoes.

I need rain.
That's all I need. Cold, steady, pounding rain.
I need to wash myself with it, let it massage my tired, aching muscles.
I need to cup my hands and let them fill with rain, vicious and relentless.
I need to feel free, start over, I need rain.
I need rain to rid me of this terrible envy; I'm sick of not having any money and watching my best friends get to go on fabulous all expenses paid trips.
While I sit at home,
waiting for it to rain.
I need to dance in the rain,
sing in the rain.
Feel the rain, be the rain.
I need rain to pick up my eyes, fill them with life.
I need rain to remind me why I'm happy again.

I am happy, I just need rain.

Rain, rain, remember when,
I told you to come back some day?
Well, rain, today's the day
Come back and make me smile again.

lost.

All I can ask myself is 'What did I do?'

Sitting here, with tears streaming down my face, I ask myself: What was the single thing that I did to deserve this? How is it MY fault that you hate me now? And just because I expressed my thoughts to one person, why do you all of a sudden get 'bad vibes' from me? Why can't I listen to you talk anymore? Why don't we feel close anymore, and why can't we find any common ground? Why is it that EVERY conversation is forced, why do I hug you and feel empty, why is it that every word passed now means nothing? WHAT DID I DO TO CHANGE WHAT WE HAD?

The most important question just has to be, what do we do now?


To tell you the truth, I can't wait to leave. Now that I've screwed myself and all of my relationships with everybody over, twice over, I can't hold on one more second. I have to get away, since there's nothing I can do to fix it. It's unrepairable. None of our past matters anymore, and I no longer have a future with any of you, so I guess that's it.

This is it.


Fin.

severely pushed aside.

AHH!
I apologize, I seem to have completely neglected this in 2007 so far. I guess I've just been busy, and I haven't really had much on my mind.

..well. That's a lie.

To be honest, I've had a bit too much on my mind. For example, my birthday's on Sunday and I simply can't wait to celebrate. What could be better than a formal tea party with all of my best friends at my side? Nothing, that's what. It's just been really stressful, planning this thing. I mean, I have to find somewhere to get my hair done by tomorrow, and I still need to press my dress and convince my best friend that she wont freeze to death so she doesn't have to wear a sweater, and I need to go grocery shopping tomorrow afternoon to pick up everything, and I still need to GET A CAKE, AAAAAAAAAH !!!

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.

I'll be fine. I'll look back on this one day and laugh at how worked up I became. Everything will be fine.

Here's hoping ..