fluorescent adolescent

There's something so subtle about my life, some minuscule aspect that I know exists but I can't put a name to. It's a feeling that I wish I could describe, and analyze, and mass produce. Everyone should feel this feeling. All I know is, it's something within me. I feel it in the morning when I (eventually) reluctantly drag myself out of bed. I feel it when I brush my teeth and stretch my calves after breakfast. I feel it when I'm surrounded by good company and good food and good conversation. I feel it when a familiar melody greets my ears and lights up the fire in my belly. I feel it when I get jealous that someone has discovered something that I could take credit for. I feel it when I understand. I feel it when I pretend. I feel it when I hear the voice of the girl I owe my life to. I feel it when I'm down, I feel it when I'm up. I feel it when I'm sideways, stretching my imagination beyond it's capability. I feel it when I know I'm in the process of making a masterpiece. I feel it when I'm alone and the silence pricks my ears. I feel it when I write. I feel it when I haven't in a while and I know I need to. I feel it when I mourn those I've lost. I feel it when I look myself deep in the eyes and try to figure myself out. I feel it when I hear applause and I know it means joy and the genuine appreciation of talent. I feel it when I'm running and I want to give up but I push myself to keep on. I feel it when suspense grabs a hold of my lungs and squeezes them out. I feel it when I'm completely confident in my abilities. I feel it when I influence and inspire someone I'm close to, or someone I'm not, to be everything they can be. I feel it when tragedy strikes halfway across the world and I'm compelled to help, even though there's nothing I can do. I feel it when I brew up a single cup of tea to rival any English concoction, and it tastes fantastic. I feel it when I go a whole day without tripping over my words. I feel it when I receive a hug from someone who means it wholeheartedly. I feel it when I'm supposed to be focusing on my studies but I'd rather dance around my room to Sondre Lerche. I felt it when I did the splits for the first time. I feel it when I get embarrassed and the tips of my ears turn a shade of red comparable to ripe raspberries. I feel it when I'm complimented with a comment I've never heard before. I feel it when I get a letter or a postcard addressed to me and only me. I feel it when I insinuate uproarious laughter. I feel it all.

And when I do, the feeling is incredible.

I think this subtle, minuscule thing is a single fact filed into the Rolodex of my mind. I have the knowledge that I will always be myself and no one else rooted into my brain, and that I won't change for anyone or anything, living or dead. When I feel this feeling, my skin crawls and my heart jumps and I'm filled with the ironic comfort that I'm here for a reason, and what is meant to be will be.