The problem with being the person that everyone goes to for help is that when you need assistance, no one knows how to handle it. I take pride in the fact that I'm always there to help out any of my friends at any moment, I will drop anything and everything to listen and give advice and BE THERE for them. Regardless of what my current situation looks like, I can be there, and I will have something to say. I feel that it's my job to be the best friend I can. Now, I'm not saying that everyone should feel that way, being so selfless all the time might even be a bad thing. I just find it funny that for the most part, when I need consolation and positive thoughts at a particular moment, I can't find it. Sure, as the day drags on, there's no stop to the compliments coming my way, but when I hit bottom I'm not thinking of those. It's not the same when I'm telling myself to keep my head up and stay strong and be positive. It's not the same when I'm trying to convince myself that this will all blow over. It can't be fair that I'm only allowed to be comforted when it's convenient for everyone else, can it? Perhaps it was just bad timing. Probably, and I'm just overreacting. It's just .. the statement: 'I'll always be there for you' is hard to believe after it's been so solidly contradicted.
I feel very conflicted lately. Like that horse with the carrot dangling in front of it's nose, the one that keeps running and running and achieves nothing. It's like I've been trying to get somewhere and have apparently failed miserably, and didn't notice until today. It doesn't matter what area of my life I look at, I'm torn and getting nowhere because of it. However, I haven't been doing much trying at all now that I consider it, I haven't really been living. Just .. surviving. My marks are reflecting this, so is the huge pile of junk sitting in the middle of my room. I don't generate any inspiration on my own anymore. Something's missing, and I don't know what it is.
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